The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]