velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property


son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes


me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated


eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading


king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what


infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here


announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?


me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?


me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know