@ellorysmith

huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

@ellorysmith

I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value

@ellorysmith

when I said I was doing “the Lord’s work” I meant arbitrarily passing judgment on people.

@ellorysmith

I accidentally bleached my hair too blonde and when my therapist saw it this morning she let out an audible “oh no”

@ellorysmith

if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”

@ellorysmith

my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.