Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
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My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
couldn’t resist
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*