“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell