Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.