@elunatyk

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

@elunatyk

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

@elunatyk

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

@elunatyk

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

@elunatyk

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

@elunatyk

I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.

@elunatyk

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

@elunatyk

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

@elunatyk

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.