I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
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“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Now, where’s the sport in that?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.