Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
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I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate