chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”