Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows