Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out