Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
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held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*