I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”