Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
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If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
May never get over this
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Digital security in Ancient Troy
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.