My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
You Might Also Like
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….