I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Education is vital
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice