“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader