I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.