“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
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Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
me irl
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD