Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
“How’s your day going?”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda