Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
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that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off