CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
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Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(