Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear