@ericonederful

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

@ericonederful

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

@ericonederful

They say smoking marijuana causes memory loss. Well if that’s true, how come I never forget to smoke marijuana? Checkmate.

@ericonederful

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

@ericonederful

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

@ericonederful

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

@ericonederful

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.