I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.