if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You Might Also Like
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.