It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
You Might Also Like
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.