@erichwithach

Pro cooking tip: Serve a super bold, spicy red wine before dinner to cover up how badly you over seasoned the food. The best defense is a good offense.

@erichwithach

My son asked me how chains are made and I told him “you have to be the chains you wish to see in the world.”

Anyway long story short if someone has a sofa I can crash on.

@erichwithach

It really ruins the moment when you’re trying to storm out and you have to wait for the automatic doors to open.

@erichwithach

Them: You make your own happiness.

Dr. Frankenstein: Like this?

Them: No not like that.

@erichwithach

My kid and his friend were super excited because they made a cake in Minecraft and I got the NASTIEST look when I told them they could do that in real life and actually eat it.

@erichwithach

My son just said we live in the northern hummusphere and now I want to live in the hummusphere.

@erichwithach

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

@erichwithach

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

@erichwithach

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.