Pro cooking tip: Serve a super bold, spicy red wine before dinner to cover up how badly you over seasoned the food. The best defense is a good offense.
My son asked me how chains are made and I told him “you have to be the chains you wish to see in the world.”
Anyway long story short if someone has a sofa I can crash on.
It really ruins the moment when you’re trying to storm out and you have to wait for the automatic doors to open.
Them: You make your own happiness.
Dr. Frankenstein: Like this?
Them: No not like that.
My kid and his friend were super excited because they made a cake in Minecraft and I got the NASTIEST look when I told them they could do that in real life and actually eat it.
My son just said we live in the northern hummusphere and now I want to live in the hummusphere.
I love English because Debut is closer to Review than Debit.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.