Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
They say smoking marijuana causes memory loss. Well if that’s true, how come I never forget to smoke marijuana? Checkmate.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
You know you’re high when you take a hilarious shower.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.