@ericsshadow: We're just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
@ericsshadow: ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i'm busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
@ericsshadow: ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
@ericsshadow: WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
@ericsshadow: SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I'd wait
@ericsshadow: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON'S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
@ericsshadow: The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
@ericsshadow: My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria's Secret bag.