Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ericsshadow's best tweets

@ericsshadow : I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

@ericsshadow: We're just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

@ericsshadow: ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i'm busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

@ericsshadow: ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

@ericsshadow: [santa gently waking me] you live like this?

@ericsshadow: WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

@ericsshadow: SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I'd wait

@ericsshadow: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON'S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

@ericsshadow: The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

@ericsshadow: My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria's Secret bag.