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Page of ericsshadow's best tweets

@ericsshadow : ME: my son ran away

COP: we won't rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

@ericsshadow: Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

@ericsshadow: If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I'll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

@ericsshadow: My fashion sense has been described as "They probably won't let you in like that" and "Are those your pajamas?"

@ericsshadow: My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

@ericsshadow: CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

@ericsshadow: If I ever run into my doppelgänger I'm going to steal his liver.

@ericsshadow: One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who's in charge.

@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997