@ericsshadow: If your phone fell in a toilet, you would...
1995: ...leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
@ericsshadow: [me telling a joke]
guy wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat: I don't understand.
ME: There's probably a lot you don't understand.
@ericsshadow: My doctor told me, "If you don't quit smoking, it doesn't really matter how poorly you eat" and that was the best day of my life.
@ericsshadow: ME: OMG I CAN'T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
@ericsshadow: [helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on... Superman?
her: I did
@ericsshadow: ME: my son ran away
COP: we won't rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
@ericsshadow: If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I'll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind