Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ericsshadow's best tweets

@ericsshadow : [first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone

@ericsshadow: If your phone fell in a toilet, you would...

1995: ...leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

@ericsshadow: [me telling a joke]

guy wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat: I don't understand.

ME: There's probably a lot you don't understand.

@ericsshadow: My doctor told me, "If you don't quit smoking, it doesn't really matter how poorly you eat" and that was the best day of my life.

@ericsshadow: ME: OMG I CAN'T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

@ericsshadow: [helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on... Superman?

her: I did

@ericsshadow: ME: my son ran away

COP: we won't rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

@ericsshadow: Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

@ericsshadow: If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I'll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind