Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I love art.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)