*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
The first one, obviously
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.