valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Worst bar ever.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Stick it to the man
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.