[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
pat pat
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.