@ermahgarton

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

@ermahgarton

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

@ermahgarton

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

@ermahgarton

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

@ermahgarton

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

@ermahgarton

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

@ermahgarton

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.