Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@ermahgarton : bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren't home
me:it's limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can't find his supersuit
@ermahgarton: a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
@ermahgarton: I don't really have a "blood type." I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
@ermahgarton: MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he's got a point
@ermahgarton: [spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is "bananas"
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
@ermahgarton: me: what's ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i'll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
@ermahgarton: According to my bank account, I'm Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.