“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
This will never not be funny to me.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.