“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”