I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I mean…but I did
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true