At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Wednesday
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt