Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My time has come.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.