This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
do u think theres a butter planet?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you