Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.