[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Breaking news:
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.