This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
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Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
👾👾👾
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.