ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that鈥檚 better
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 馃槼
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I bet every time Beyonc茅 leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair