When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen