My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
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Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
It’s the weekend y’all
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace