You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
You Might Also Like
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Sniffing the broccoli
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
A man of commitment.