Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
who wore it better?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer