I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
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Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane